Louie's Leaving

So Louie is thinking of leaving his girlfriend. He wants to move out immediately, and he’s already found a great deal on a two bedroom apartment uptown with parquet floors. He’s just trying to figure out how he can wean her out of his life. Louie is besieged for answers that will lead him in the direction of how he should handle things.

Well what’s the problem Louie?

“When I’m trying to watch television, she’s all over me. She really is a sweetheart. She’s hot. She makes great money, and she takes care of most of the bills and me for that matter! She just got a huge refund from her income taxes and she wants to take me to the Dominican Republic for a vacation... It’s just too much.”

Oh my God Louie, that's horrible!

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. That’s what Louie said. He has this great woman in his life, and he knows it. They’ve been living together for three years, and they both left previous marriages in order to be together. But for Louie, "it’s just too much". So of course, I’m thinking Louie is fucking idiot - but he's not unlike a lot of people that I know. There are some people that appear to have everything they've wished for in a partner but for some reason they're still not happy. They are still looking for something else.

Now, I know Louie so I'm telling you that his inflated sense of self has got him thinking that if his girlfriend is “all over him” he has got to be the shit. In Louie's mind, he has always been some wonderful manifestation of God’s gift, but he is taking for granted the very gift of what has been sent his way - something that he created through his constant prayer and wishing for love in his life. I remember when Louie was laying on the couch near tears because he was so "lonely, and tired of doing everything all alone". Louie went out and found a wonderful relationship with a woman who happens to be a “sweetheart”. But now he wants out.

Fine.

Well Louie, have you tried talking to her? Have you asked her to back off a bit – maybe give you some space?

“Well... No. I haven’t”, he said.

I’m thinking the quick fix would be for Louie's girlfriend to cancel his ticket for a while - you know, hold back some of her affections. Hell, we women are just different in some ways. We crave intimacy, and we need to be touched, stroked, held and adored. We need to give love. It’s what we do! And it comes quite naturally for most of us. But, if Louie were to get a clue, he might change his tune -- and God help him if he thought there was another man in the picture, someone else who was also “the shit” getting what he’s become so accustomed to getting at home. Then I'm sure he’d be running behind her hoping to just wipe her ass once a day.

But I’m an adult, and by now I think I know better. The conundrum is not exclusive to men, and the root of the problem actually stems from the essential nature of human beings – and that does include women. Why is it that when we get “everything” we asked for in a patner it's still not good enough? Why is it that the grass is never quite green enough on our own side?

Perhaps we'd have to go back to the beginning of time to accurately answer these questions. So for now, let's just take a look at one of the more potent of our human instincts - the desire to conquer...

Now, you might argue that the instinct to conquer is more prevalent in men, but that's semantics. We all live and love with this powerful impulse, no matter how what our gender, and no matter how latent. Not only do we want to accomplish the things that we set out to do, but we need to triumph over them- this is true even in love relationships. The desire for conquest is the instinct that helps us to evolve into the person we are becoming.

I think that Louie subconsciously feels that he has already "conquered" this woman, and this relationship.

But when we are in relationships and we start to feel as if our partners are more in love than we are, there is no challenge. There is no more work to be done. It’s over. Mission accomplished. The zeal and zest that the challenge provided in the beginning has gone away. We think to ourselves “I am not growing and something doesn't feel right. I’ve done my part in this relationship, and now I should be looking toward the next best thing – another aim to pursue.” None of us ever truly wants what comes too easily.

Oh sad it is, but true. And men are not the only ones that are guilty of this. So what do we do? Do we continue to discard the people in our lives- the people who are in essence our blessings? Should Louie leave his girlfriend?

What would happen if Louie identified the root of his feelings? The feeling of being smothered or being given too much has him feeling inadequate. Rather, it stirs a feeling of inadequacy that is already there. But where is the challenge for Louie in all this if life is being made too easy for him? Perhaps his girlfriend needs to understand that he needs to warrant all the goodness she's been giving. Or possibly, Louie's challenge will be in helping her realize that he wants to earn all that she has to give. Perhaps her challenge will be to direct the wealth of her affections to other outlets besides him. I know of hundreds of people, charitable organizations, and causes in this world that would benefit from the outpouring of the love Louie's girlfriend wants to give.

Also, Louie, like many of us, may need to confront why all this affection is “just too much” for him. Was it held back as a child? Was affection ever used to control or manipulate him, or used in another manner inappropriately in his life?

I could be way off base with my assumptions about Louie and his relationship. In fact, its very possible that I am. But I didn’t write this to provide the answers. My greatest hope for him is that he stops looking to be challenged in all the wrong places. Louie must challenge himself, and stop looking to his girlfriend to do it for him.

Now, with all that said... If the grass where I am is not green enough, I know that there is much I can do cultivate it. After all, it is the actual compost – the dung and manure – that fertilizes the grass. And many times it is a tremendous waste to throw out the whole lawn.

Hard Core Astro-advice For Chicks

Help Swammi! I'm In Love With...

An Aries Man (March 21 - April 19)

Of course you're in love with a ram! Who wouldn't be? He's bold, self-confident, dynamic, outspoken, funny as all else, and he knows everything and everybody! And most importantly, your ram will kick any ass necessary to defend your good name. You were first attracted to your ram because he enjoys an active lifestyle, has a unique circle of friends. Often his impulsive nature will drive him to splurge on extravagant gifts for no particular reason! He's a natural organizer and likely involved in some kind of project management. But when the diamonds start to lose their luster, and you've eaten at every fine restaurant in town, you'll realize he hasn't stopped talking about himself since the day you met. And, if you manage to really piss your ram off, he can become as hostile as a stranger overnight. But it would be a mistake to underestimate what a mighty adversary he can be.

Best advice: Don't be so quick to out rule a restraining order. And don't push this one too far - his natural instinct will be to ram you.


A Taurus Man (April 20 - May 20)

No bull, this guy is a real catch! Your bull is sensual, hard working, and stable. He thinks practically and probably offers the kind security you've been looking for your whole life! He has quite a magnetic personality, and your bull knows what it takes to live a good life, and how to get it. He gets along effortlessly with your family & friends, and the add on with bulls is that they're ruled by Venus, so chances are good he'll be interested in what pleases you in bed! But if you ever manage to convince him to venture outside of his beautifully decorated bedroom, you might see that he's not savvy enough to come up with an exciting plan for a date - and every girl likes to pull that cocktail dress from the back of the closet every now and again. The boredom may rack your nerves.

Best advice: Sign up at netflix.com and fill up your movie queue. Then get a life outside of his. You don't have to stay cooped up in the house just because he likes to.


A Gemini Man (May 21 - June 20)

What a lucky girl to have hooked the twins! He's quite the life of the party and likely very popular. The memory card in his cell phone is full (which you'll recognize because it's the device glued to his right ear) but you won't mind having to beat off the other chicks, because it's almost like being in a relationship with your best friend! He's quite the communicator and actually enjoys talking to you! His mind is literally a think tank, and his quick wit and silly gestures will keep you laughing for days on end. And talk about smart... whew! He's your best resource for obscure facts and seemingly limitless information. The problem is that once all the chattering with the twins stops, you'll realize that he wouldn't know the truth if it fell on top of him. Your twins, or at least one of them, will be so prone to lying, exaggerating, and embellishing it'll drive you mad.

Best advice: Invest in the best polygraph equipment on the market, and tell yourself at least one of your twins intended for it to be true!


A Cancer Man (June 21 - July 22)

You're gourmet cooking if you've landed a crab! Claws down, this is one of the most genuine dudes at the party. He's fun, intensely loveable, sensitive, and sentimental, and sometimes appropriately goofy. The best part about loving your crab is that he really intends to treat you well. You'll love the romantic dinners your crab prepares for you and then afterward looking at pictures and keepsakes he'll pull out from your past dates. Chances are high that he's tapped into his natural artisan nature, or is musically inclined- but he's also a shrewd businessman... how sexy! But crabs can be just as hard as they are soft. Confusion arises when you mistake a legitimate emotional disorder like depression or hypochondria for his general crabbiness.

Best advice: Don't rule out long term therapy or medication - everybody's doing it these days.

A Leo Man (July 23 - August 22)

Everyone loves a Lion! And what's not to love? He's fun, attentive, has a gorgeous personality, and I'd doubt the lion that lay next to you has ever been accused of being stingy. He's always so poised and politically correct, and the truth doesn't scare this dude! The lion's genuine love of life and all of its pleasures is contagious and it's easy to loose yourself in reckless abandon solving the problems of the world with this one! It's likely your lion will be involved in a philanthropic venture or career in the arts, and he loves the best of the best! Your lion is always striving to improve himself, and he expects you to do the same. But trouble enters the picture if you don't realize that you'll never live up to his inflated expectations -- and God help you if you ever utter the word "normal" around him!

Best advice: Mediocrity = Crime with a lion. Accept the prodigious load, or forget the whole thing. And consider buying an island, or at least lots of acreage. You'll need the extra room for his ego.


A Virgo Man (August 23 - September 22)

Of course! Falling in love with a virgin is very logical... And when you're thinking on your feet he provides hours of stimulating conversation. You love the way an intellectual conversation can suddenly turn into foreplay. He will listen to you thoughtfully and give back the most insightful advice. I'd be willing to bet my paycheck that at least one Valentine's gift he's given you was a book. He'll never stop trying to "feed your mind" and he feels a natural obligation to help you out when you need him. Your virgin will notice that you colored your hair today, chipped your fresh manicure, and you'll admire his altruistic nature and how he goes to the end of the earth for friends. Your virgin is likely associated with a learning environment or counseling services. The problem is that genuine disappointment sets in when you realize how self-involved he is. But more importantly, he's tragically hypercritical and sometimes painfully cavalier about your feelings.

Best advice: Ditch the illusion that he should have the same level of emotional maturity as you. He's a virgin for Christ's sake! Do this, or don't even bother with a virgin.


A Libra Man (September 23 - October 22)

Who's not in love with being in love with a Libra? Your scales will cast a spell on you with all the beauty and enchantment a girl can bear! He'll never miss an opportunity to relish in how beautiful he thinks you are, and his charm can be breathtaking! And you won't be picking out your home décor or wedding invitations alone! His praise for your achievements will motivate you on the days you forget how wonderful you are - and his social graces and love of peace and harmony at home will make you thank the heavens for such a find! But tipping the scales could mean setting off his tendency to be utterly indecisive, and he'll be forever dependent on you to maintain the equilibrium in his life.

Best advice: Buy stock in Yankee Candle, take yoga, meditation, practice deep breathing and gymnastics exercises... Learn how to balance, balance, balance! He won't do without the most "got-it-together" chick around.

A Scorpio Man (October 23 - November 21)

Sexy scorpions are hot, hot, hot! Your scorpion will ignite passions you never knew existed! You'll find his fiercely competitive nature hopelessly attractive. The two of you dive completely into the realm of life, death, mystery and all things deep - and that's just the way you like it. Your scorpion has probably pinned up his favorite mantra in the house: no pain no gain! He is the consumate conversationalist because he enjoys being able to mesmerize you, by his words alone. His ability to be incredibly self-sufficient makes him the alpha-male, and he'll likely be involved in a career that entails intricate critical thinking or investigative work. The chaos commences when you realize that what you've been tenderly calling his "enigmatic ways" is actually downright sneaky behavior. He's likely involved with some deep dark shit, or something creepy you'd rather not know about.

Best advice: Keep a spiritual advisor and a good psychic on hand for frequent consultations. And get ready to embrace your shadow side!

A Sagittarius Man (November 22 - December 21)

Bull's-eye if the archer's arrow hits you in the heart! No wonder you exhaled on your first date. Your half-man, half-horse is literally a breath of fresh air! He introduced you to crypto zoology, the new brain of neuroscience, and an original tribe of Zen Buddhists pigmies living in the U.S. He's fun, imaginative, generous, refreshingly straightforward, and-oh-so manly. Chances are he'll whisk you off to a cultural exhibition half way around the world just because it's your birthday! Life is certainly never boring with such decadence because more than anyone he is a pleasure seeker. He invites change and likes to try new things. However, difficulties may surface when you find that your man-horse is dangerously over-indulgent and perpetually bored with you and with life. He may never grow up and accept the practical aspects of some limitations in life.

Best advice: Hide the check book, lock the liquor cabinet, and keep a "mad stash" of cash on hand.

A Capricorn Man (December 22 - January 19)

Mission accomplished if you've won the heart of a Sea-goat! It's no wonder you checked "find soul-mate" off your list when you met him. Your sea goat is tenacious, goal-oriented, responsible, and he possesses a flawless sense of humor that will keep you smiling from ear to ear! Your goat is mainly a traditional kind of guy, and he prefers the structure of a family life and stable home base so he can plan and achieve everything on his list of things to do before he dies. Chances are good, if he's really into you, that he'll respond favorably to your attempts to domesticate him even further. Finally a man whose a real grown up! Trouble may enter the picture when you leave him to his own devices for too long. When did he become so listless and lazy?

Best advice: Get a solid book of affirmations for him, have a five-year plan, and resist the urge to join in when he berates himself.

An Aquarius Man (January 20 - February 18)

Of course you poured your heart out! And why wouldn't you? The water bearer is the most alluring guy around. You were first attracted to his eyes - which seem deeply introspective and dazzling against the night sky, and then of course to his free-spirited nature. He's smart, eclectic and quite the thinker. Chances are he's surprised you more than once with his spontaneous wit and unpredictability. More than anyone your water-bearer knows the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. He loves your cooking, and he welcomes the intellectual stimulation of after dinner conversation, especially when it's amongst good friends. As long as the conversation stays centered on the worldly and abstract he's all yours. Trouble (and a headache) enters the picture when you bang your head against the wall one too many times hoping that you can finally make him understand why you feel a certain way. When did he become so emotionally detached and uninvolved?

Best advice: He secretly resents the fact that you need him to be "emotionally available", so don't expect him to be. Keep the telephone number of your three best girlfriends on speed dial.

A Pisces Man (February 19 - March 20)

You've scored the man of your dreams with this one! By far, your fish is the dreamiest guy in town! He's sensitive, romantic, and says just the right thing at the right time! The best thing about your fish is that you'll never get into a cold bed at night. He'll keep your spot warm for you and cuddle on contact when you join him. Chances are he keeps excerpts of poetry in the nightstand by the bed, and will read it to you as you fall asleep in the nook under his arm. He's fair and articulate and his friends all call on him for advice and arbitration when disputes arise in the group. He's undoubtedly creative and while he may be a little shy at times, he's very much in touch with his emotions. The two of you enjoy meditating together, inspiring talks, and frequent walks on the beach. Conflicts may arise when you start to feel like you may never be able to trust him completely - and there's something terribly unsettling about the way he never quite tells the whole story. Also, you may get sick of him telling you how something you only said inadvertently "hurt his feelings".

Best advice: Don't rule out women... that is, if you find that you're having trouble remembering which of you is the man in the relationship.