Is three years rushing?

Ok Swammi,

Since you know so much, I’ll give you a try. Do you take one on one consulation, or just your friends? Anyway, B is my boyfriend. We’ve been going together for three and a half years. I’m in love with him, and he says that he’s in love with me. Last year we took a step forward and moved in together because we were both paying way too much money in rent. When that happened we sort of talked around the issue of marriage. I really want to be his wife. He said he didn’t want to rush things. My question is... Is three years rushing? I hardly think so. So why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet? I’m 32 yrs old. He’s 40. Neither of us have ever been married. What do you think?

J

Hey J,

Thanks for letting me post this on my blog.

Well, it’s like this... I firmly believe that the man in any relationship is the one who decides marriage. I have many guy friends that have told me that most men know within a week if he’s interested in marrying a woman he’s dating. Men tend to think very resolutely on this sort of thing. They’re not like us in the realm of emotions. You know how wishy washy we can be at times - one day we want to marry him, and the next we’re like no way, what was I thinking?!

I said all that to say, no. I don’t think three and half years is rushing things considering both of your ages and I’m assuming level of maturity. But you don't need to feel anxious just because a certain amount of time has passed.

But if you really want this, here’s the thing J-- you’ve already given away the cow for free. Sure combining budgets in these economic times is a good idea, but why should he take the plunge if the two of you are already playing house? I'm all for living together before marriage, and have even done it myself, but chances are J, once you two moved in together, you let yourself go a little. You stopped getting all dolled up for him. He knows when you’re home, who you’re with when you’re out, what happened in your day... etc. Mystery gone. He’s not inclined to think he has any decisions to make.

But unless you strung him up and tortured him into moving in, then I’d say it’s a good sign that he did. That says, at the very least, he doesn’t mind your constant company. And with 3 1/2 years under your belt, and the shacking, I’d say he does take you and the relationship seriously (unless he was bankrupt, homeless, or an invalid when he agreed to move in). If you were 40 and single I wouldn’t think too much about it. Women are deciding to postpone children and marriage more and more these days. But a man who’s single at 40... Hmmm, there may be some other issues going on (i.e.: commitment phobia). But of course you would know this better than anybody. Maybe try spicing yourself up a bit. Buy some new clothes, and add a splash of unpredictability to things. Maybe you should have a drink with a platonic guy friend (nothing to scandalous) and then let him know about it. Then once he’s a little agitated and wondering what has changed, you can sit him down and have the I’m-ready-for-more-how-about-you conversation? Wish you all the luck in the world!

The Broken Relationship Agreement

Pursuant to all the broken hearts and the recent spike in divorce proceedings on a state by state basis we have constructed an official document to aid in the understanding of protocol and the rules of a broken relationship for 2006 and going forward. This notice dated January 1, 2006, and addressed to you and yours, when read by “You” shall constitute our mutual understanding and acceptance of the following:

Whereas, you and yours have entered into an intimate committed relationship willfully and without duress; and

You (or your partner), have complained to "us", your friends about each other or have contemplated leaving, or have threatened to end the relationship on more than one occasion in the past; and

You (or your partner) are unclear about the status or future of said relationship; and

You have asked, whether silently or aloud, for clarification or a sign from above:

DATE: Today

OPTION:
As always, this remains unchanged. Whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship is your decision alone, not your friends and family. No one is going to make this decision for you, so stop hoping for it. Stop worrying about what people may be saying about your relationship or how things may appear to everyone on the outside. Take all the advice you have gotten to date, and throw it out. It's your life and your decision.

TERMS:
Whereas, chances are you knew exactly what you were getting when you began the relationship, however things can change and people do sometimes outgrow one another.

PAYMENT:
More than likely, you are getting exactly what you have put into your relationship. If you wish to yield greater rewards apply yourself accordingly, right now. If you find that you are continually putting in more than you have been getting, you may want to consider if you are being used.

RESERVED RIGHTS:
You retain the expressed right to be happy. This is a fixed clause and can never be duly altered.

PROMOTION & MARKETING:
Just because your relationship is on the rocks it does not grant you the right to promote or market yourself to other people as “single” or “available”. Please deal with the problems in your relationship first before you go looking to get involved with the next best thing.

ACCEPTANCE & DELIVERY:
It may be time to just accept your partner on an “As Is” basis, and cease inflicting your version of how things should be into the mix. You are either going to accept certain things, or you are not. If you are continually being hurt and/or disrespected then it is time you accepted that the committment may be ineffective. Pack your things and go, and deliver the news of this according to the situation at hand.

WARRANTIES & REMEDIES:
If you decide to end things, the only warranty is that you may both be hurt and pissed off for a while, however any form of harrassment, car keying, or other types of theft and vandalism are generally unacceptable. Child support, alimony, spousal support, and prank phone calls in some cases, are reasonable remedies.

INDEMNIFICATION:
You agree to indemnify and hold harmless all others for the demise of your relationship. Please accept at least 50% of the blame if things don’t work out. Wholly blaming your partner, friends, in-laws, or God is foolish, immature, and it doesn't leave you positioned well with the law of karma.

COMPETITION AND REVISIONS:
When you do decide to finally end things, don’t get all bent out of shape when you learn that your Ex has moved on and found someone else, because that is undoubtedly what will happen. Consider this ahead of time and do your damndest to repair whatever is wrong, so you won’t have any regrets later.

TERM TERMINATION & REVERSION OF RIGHTS:
If the relationship has been terminated, please collect your things and go. Regardless of whomever ended the relationship, your right to be happy does not revert to your partner. This right remains with you in perpetuity. Do not use the children, money, big screen televisions, or other material items as an excuse to continue the madness. Everything has a season and if your relationship is clearly over wrap things up respectfully and with integrity, and move on to Spring.

FINE PRINT:
The grass is always greener on the other side.


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May not be reprinted in whole, or in part, without written permission from the author.