Louie's Leaving

So Louie is thinking of leaving his girlfriend. He wants to move out immediately, and he’s already found a great deal on a two bedroom apartment uptown with parquet floors. He’s just trying to figure out how he can wean her out of his life. Louie is besieged for answers that will lead him in the direction of how he should handle things.

Well what’s the problem Louie?

“When I’m trying to watch television, she’s all over me. She really is a sweetheart. She’s hot. She makes great money, and she takes care of most of the bills and me for that matter! She just got a huge refund from her income taxes and she wants to take me to the Dominican Republic for a vacation... It’s just too much.”

Oh my God Louie, that's horrible!

You think I’m kidding? I’m not. That’s what Louie said. He has this great woman in his life, and he knows it. They’ve been living together for three years, and they both left previous marriages in order to be together. But for Louie, "it’s just too much". So of course, I’m thinking Louie is fucking idiot - but he's not unlike a lot of people that I know. There are some people that appear to have everything they've wished for in a partner but for some reason they're still not happy. They are still looking for something else.

Now, I know Louie so I'm telling you that his inflated sense of self has got him thinking that if his girlfriend is “all over him” he has got to be the shit. In Louie's mind, he has always been some wonderful manifestation of God’s gift, but he is taking for granted the very gift of what has been sent his way - something that he created through his constant prayer and wishing for love in his life. I remember when Louie was laying on the couch near tears because he was so "lonely, and tired of doing everything all alone". Louie went out and found a wonderful relationship with a woman who happens to be a “sweetheart”. But now he wants out.

Fine.

Well Louie, have you tried talking to her? Have you asked her to back off a bit – maybe give you some space?

“Well... No. I haven’t”, he said.

I’m thinking the quick fix would be for Louie's girlfriend to cancel his ticket for a while - you know, hold back some of her affections. Hell, we women are just different in some ways. We crave intimacy, and we need to be touched, stroked, held and adored. We need to give love. It’s what we do! And it comes quite naturally for most of us. But, if Louie were to get a clue, he might change his tune -- and God help him if he thought there was another man in the picture, someone else who was also “the shit” getting what he’s become so accustomed to getting at home. Then I'm sure he’d be running behind her hoping to just wipe her ass once a day.

But I’m an adult, and by now I think I know better. The conundrum is not exclusive to men, and the root of the problem actually stems from the essential nature of human beings – and that does include women. Why is it that when we get “everything” we asked for in a patner it's still not good enough? Why is it that the grass is never quite green enough on our own side?

Perhaps we'd have to go back to the beginning of time to accurately answer these questions. So for now, let's just take a look at one of the more potent of our human instincts - the desire to conquer...

Now, you might argue that the instinct to conquer is more prevalent in men, but that's semantics. We all live and love with this powerful impulse, no matter how what our gender, and no matter how latent. Not only do we want to accomplish the things that we set out to do, but we need to triumph over them- this is true even in love relationships. The desire for conquest is the instinct that helps us to evolve into the person we are becoming.

I think that Louie subconsciously feels that he has already "conquered" this woman, and this relationship.

But when we are in relationships and we start to feel as if our partners are more in love than we are, there is no challenge. There is no more work to be done. It’s over. Mission accomplished. The zeal and zest that the challenge provided in the beginning has gone away. We think to ourselves “I am not growing and something doesn't feel right. I’ve done my part in this relationship, and now I should be looking toward the next best thing – another aim to pursue.” None of us ever truly wants what comes too easily.

Oh sad it is, but true. And men are not the only ones that are guilty of this. So what do we do? Do we continue to discard the people in our lives- the people who are in essence our blessings? Should Louie leave his girlfriend?

What would happen if Louie identified the root of his feelings? The feeling of being smothered or being given too much has him feeling inadequate. Rather, it stirs a feeling of inadequacy that is already there. But where is the challenge for Louie in all this if life is being made too easy for him? Perhaps his girlfriend needs to understand that he needs to warrant all the goodness she's been giving. Or possibly, Louie's challenge will be in helping her realize that he wants to earn all that she has to give. Perhaps her challenge will be to direct the wealth of her affections to other outlets besides him. I know of hundreds of people, charitable organizations, and causes in this world that would benefit from the outpouring of the love Louie's girlfriend wants to give.

Also, Louie, like many of us, may need to confront why all this affection is “just too much” for him. Was it held back as a child? Was affection ever used to control or manipulate him, or used in another manner inappropriately in his life?

I could be way off base with my assumptions about Louie and his relationship. In fact, its very possible that I am. But I didn’t write this to provide the answers. My greatest hope for him is that he stops looking to be challenged in all the wrong places. Louie must challenge himself, and stop looking to his girlfriend to do it for him.

Now, with all that said... If the grass where I am is not green enough, I know that there is much I can do cultivate it. After all, it is the actual compost – the dung and manure – that fertilizes the grass. And many times it is a tremendous waste to throw out the whole lawn.