Is three years rushing?

Ok Swammi,

Since you know so much, I’ll give you a try. Do you take one on one consulation, or just your friends? Anyway, B is my boyfriend. We’ve been going together for three and a half years. I’m in love with him, and he says that he’s in love with me. Last year we took a step forward and moved in together because we were both paying way too much money in rent. When that happened we sort of talked around the issue of marriage. I really want to be his wife. He said he didn’t want to rush things. My question is... Is three years rushing? I hardly think so. So why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet? I’m 32 yrs old. He’s 40. Neither of us have ever been married. What do you think?

J

Hey J,

Thanks for letting me post this on my blog.

Well, it’s like this... I firmly believe that the man in any relationship is the one who decides marriage. I have many guy friends that have told me that most men know within a week if he’s interested in marrying a woman he’s dating. Men tend to think very resolutely on this sort of thing. They’re not like us in the realm of emotions. You know how wishy washy we can be at times - one day we want to marry him, and the next we’re like no way, what was I thinking?!

I said all that to say, no. I don’t think three and half years is rushing things considering both of your ages and I’m assuming level of maturity. But you don't need to feel anxious just because a certain amount of time has passed.

But if you really want this, here’s the thing J-- you’ve already given away the cow for free. Sure combining budgets in these economic times is a good idea, but why should he take the plunge if the two of you are already playing house? I'm all for living together before marriage, and have even done it myself, but chances are J, once you two moved in together, you let yourself go a little. You stopped getting all dolled up for him. He knows when you’re home, who you’re with when you’re out, what happened in your day... etc. Mystery gone. He’s not inclined to think he has any decisions to make.

But unless you strung him up and tortured him into moving in, then I’d say it’s a good sign that he did. That says, at the very least, he doesn’t mind your constant company. And with 3 1/2 years under your belt, and the shacking, I’d say he does take you and the relationship seriously (unless he was bankrupt, homeless, or an invalid when he agreed to move in). If you were 40 and single I wouldn’t think too much about it. Women are deciding to postpone children and marriage more and more these days. But a man who’s single at 40... Hmmm, there may be some other issues going on (i.e.: commitment phobia). But of course you would know this better than anybody. Maybe try spicing yourself up a bit. Buy some new clothes, and add a splash of unpredictability to things. Maybe you should have a drink with a platonic guy friend (nothing to scandalous) and then let him know about it. Then once he’s a little agitated and wondering what has changed, you can sit him down and have the I’m-ready-for-more-how-about-you conversation? Wish you all the luck in the world!